Since the founding of TakingITGlobal in 1999, I have been incredibly inspired by my interactions with thousands of young change makers from all around the world. Through my Masters Research on youth-led action in an international context along with exposure to other studies and international conferences examining the role of today's generation of youth as change agents, I have gained an important observation. My observation is that I have seen the emergence of Six Archetypes of Youth Change Makers, which provide a glance at the roles young people are taking on in the process of creating change.
The Dreamer
The Dreamer is the driver behind new ideas. Dreamers are often the first to articulate a long-term vision for the future and think big. It is the sense of aspiration, optimism and imagination of dreamers that drive progress, innovation and change.
The Megaphone
The Megaphone is a vocal advocate for change. Megaphones are very focused on delivering the message and will campaign tirelessly and work hard to lobby for a message to be heard. They inspire action through their words and help to shift priorities on the agenda.
The Spark Plug
The Spark Plug is a catalyst and has a gift for networking and connecting people. The Spark Plug is able to foster collaborations and bring many different organizations and individuals together in dialogue, convincing diverse interest groups to come together for a common goal.
The Task Master
The Task Master is often behind the scenes making things happen and is sometimes the under-rated player within a group or organization. Often, it is the Task Master who literally keeps things together by turning ideas into manageable tasks with actionable timelines. Task Masters are practical, objective-oriented individuals.
The Sherpa
The Sherpa serves as a guide who provides mentorship, insight and training through peer education. Sherpas are natural educators with a strong interest in learning and sharing knowledge. Sherpas value hands on experiences and are able to draw upon the expertise and resources of those they encounter.
The Storyteller
The Storyteller is often the documenter of an organization and its projects, preparing short stories, interviews, blogs, webcasts newsletters and more. Storytellers become a vehicle for spreading inspiration and sharing of best practices through identifying patterns and strengthening movements through recognizing exceptional individuals.
Hmm, so last Thurs MC kindly suggested that I should take a chill pill at least one day per week (DC reiterates this point, as does everyone who knows me, I'm sure). Well, I'm embarrassed that I still have to be told this sort of thing - I'm a grown woman!! IV thought this last phrase was hilarious... =(
Well, I don't want to be the stresser or the sad one, or generally show any weakness, because history has shown that our lab does not take 'weakness' lightly. No, in all fairness the lab is very supportive and understanding, but it's just scary to watch people drop out of a PhD or not get offered one. It's scary shit. I guess that in general, people prefer extroverted, witty, clever/skilled at many things, humble, easy-going, deep, involved, logical and compassionate types - just like von Neumann.
I know about von Neumann from Chapter 5 of "Who Got Einstein's Office?", which talks about people who have been through the Institute of Advanced Study in (not of) Princeton. I read that chapter last night. And Chapter 4 the night before, 3 the night before and 2 the night before that... Yes, you're quite right, I was offered this book at the meeting with MC. I can look at brief biographies of people like von Neumann in three main ways: (1) a goal I can never attain; (2) a goal; (3) a goal I used to achieve. Depends on the day, I guess.
Chapter 4 was about fractals (see also) and set theory. I am fascinated by fractals, simply because I don't really understand them and I cannot imagine these extra dimensions in my mind. In fact, I couldn't get to sleep because I was probably thinking about transcendental numbers and I couldn't stay asleep for very long so I could look them up online in the morning. I hate that. The subconscious OCD-ness, despite conscious self-discipline... most of the time.
Chapter 1 was boring - about the Institute's beginnings and Flexnor, the guy who visioned and ran it for a while. Chapter 2 was on Einstein I think and it was disappointingly scarce on detail. 3 was on Godel and I found it sad that he thought he had not given enough to the Institute, the world, nor God. The writer goes on tangents sometimes, it's a bit weird and ever so slightly annoying.
Well, since Chapter 4 (and installing bloody CS3, which took 5x more time than what I allocated) gave me only 3.5 hours of sleep on Sun night, I think all of the new information from various people in my life was teetering me like a Jenga tower and I got horrendously upset last night and in fact, this morning. Don't get me wrong, I feel privileged to be in the know, but I guess there are many things to think about now and my brain bled some tears. It's also why I'm not talking to people, because there's a traffic jam into the Broca's. Hm... I know I don't have any control over the family worries, but at least I can offer my ears and money. I guess.
Well, I made a worry pie. I won't make a happy pie, simply because too many things make me happy and I'm easily amused, anyway. It's sort of funny that IJ's worry is over whether or not he wants to stay in science, moreso than whether or not he has the ability to do well, whereas I am definitely the other way around.
12 months from now, 7 people in my life are expected to no longer be in "reachable" distance. Well, why not.
It's over, it's over. :(
Luckily, I still have my reflections before I pop this bubble
and breathe reality's air again.
Disclaimer: ~ 5 hrs sleep for ~ 7 consecutive nights didn't lend to real-time blogging, as I intended. But you know I'm more of a retro-blogger... Anyway, you have been warned: (1) This is long; (2) I am crazy; (3) Pick and mix - the bits you skip won't cry - I promise; (4) the Boxes are tangents. Hell, I feel like a tangent at times. :P
BACKGROUND
This was the 5th Asia-Pacific Microsoft Regional Innovative Teachers’ Conference, with participants fromNew Zealand, Philippines, Korea, Vietnam, Singapore, Indonesia and Malaysia, to name a few. It was sponsored byMicrosoft Corporation, with support from the Ministry of Education Malaysia, UNESCO and TakingITGlobal.org (TIG), to bring together teachers from Asia-Pacific to showcase innovative approaches to teaching that involve technology.The teacher attendees were chosen within their own countries as the best (don't ask me about this process, I don't know) and presented postersthroughout the short Teachers' Forum (2 days) to each other and to a panel of judges who graded using the following criteria: level of innovation, effect on student participation and involvement, extent of student autonomy, relevant use of technology, in the context of available resources (e.g. funds, equipment, skill and connectivity). One winner from each country will have the privilege of competing at the global Teachers’ Forum in Brazil in November.
This year is the first time that Student Voices have been present at this region’s forum.Though it may seem like an obvious idea, its acceptance requires a leap from many educators, particularly in areas where education is still highly disciplinary and learning is assumed with teaching.TIG played a key role in finding and engaging students who would best represent the student body of the Asia-Pacific region. Students were invited to participate in online discussions over a period of ~ 3 weeks to discuss the state of education in their countries, as well as ideas about what the ideal or the future of education may look like (cf. Student Voices 20051).15 students were chosen to attend a ‘Student Forum’ (ISF09) that occurred alongside and at the same venue (Le Meridien) as the Teachers' Forum, immersing the students in ~ 4 days of intense development and voice.
THE ISF09 PROGRAMME included:
discussion with local students about education: 57 students from a local KL school (who had to write an exam immediately following the meeting!) met with the student delegates and answered questions about education in groups for about 2 hours - I thought this was a good idea, at least to get more students thinking about their education and for them to know that this sort of work goes on "behind the scenes"
brainstorming workshop by Bernise Ang and Shaun Koh of Syinc.org: a session to help the students think more deeply about issues surrounding education and what they can do to help inspire change - I thought this was timely, especially since all of the student delegates had already talked a lot about their ideas online and it was a great time to explore them a bit more deeply and to think about their ideas in more realistic terms
presentation by Joel Neoh on entrepreneurship: he shares his experiences and thoughts after winning Malaysia's version of The Apprentice, 'The Firm', modelling and co-founding YouthSays.com, Malaysia's largest for-profit network of youth opinion - sort of like what 18tracker was, bu obviously better model since they have a larger contact base and also hold real events to retain and attract new members) - I think his "for-profit" model turned a lot of the students off, but nevertheless I thought it was very clever of him to harness the power of a contact list - he is obviously a very resourceful person and pragmatic about what he wants.
presentation and personal help by Brian Lariche on project management: Brian shares his experiences as a teacher/tutor, working with NGOs and life in general! He generously gave up his time to come back and give priceless one-on-one advice and support to the students' projects - Brian is a very interesting person, who is generous with his time and opinions - I would have liked to battle some of the topics that were raisedt if I had not felt that I might have overshadowed the students' opportunity.
student projects: students were given time and mentorship to brainstorm and present their ideas for improving an aspect of education through use of technology. The aim was to submit these projects for a chance to receive funding from a pool of USD5000, provided by Microsoft. These 'Micro-Grants' are intended to give the students a taste of what it takes to develop, plan and execute projects on a small scale and more importantly, provides an opportunity for their models to be tested before application for further funding and expansion. On top of this prize pool, there was also the opportunity to win free enrolment into TIG's e-course 'Sprout' for youth professional development - I think these projects were the most enjoyable part of the forum for the students - they felt like they were contributing something. However, with perspective, these will just be small stepping stones and I hope the students will remember lessons from side-conversations in years to come, as I will, no doubt.
student-teacher interaction: a formal session for students to address teachers was provided, as well as informal gatherings during poster presentations and breaks - to be frank, I don't think there was enough opportunity for the students and teachers to talk. Even at the Gala Dinner, I felt that the student presence was being side-lined. However, I realise that this is the first time students has been at this forum and I think it was a good first effort. Hopefully, it will continue to grow in creative ways in the future.
mentors and TIG staff: to help enable Student Voices on the ground, Michael Furdyk (co-founder and Director of Technology of TIG), Kat Walraven (Education Program Manager, TIG), along with 3 mentors, Bernise Ang, Shaun Koh and I basically tailed the students at every waking hour. :P Although the 3 mentors were initially designated 3 groups of students, I found that we all got along so well, it was basically one big happy group - I very much enjoyed observing and learning from this interesting group of people, with amazing skills and ideas. I only wish that I had more time with each of them to talk about our thoughts and experiences!!! I think at this age, it is difficult to find people who you connect with because everyone is moving in their own directions so rapidly. I thought we all got along extremely well.
PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS
Projects and Hope
In my opinion, the one theme that resonates with all of the student project ideas is equality.The students wanted others to receive the same opportunities they had/have, regardless of their socio-economic status, locality, teacher/school system or temporal-residency.I made this last term up to describe some students’ focus on sustainable development and ecological preservation, which in essence ensures that future generations have the same opportunities as we do.
Observing young people of diverse background/opportunity share a unified desire for equality makes me think about all of the families, teachers and communities that are successfully teaching (instructing and demonstrating) compassion. I think that the ability to place ourselves in others' shoes is a fundamental ingredient in achieving sustainability. However, teaching compassion is not easy, particularly when basic selfishness is confused with greed, and when young people are difficult to reach.I imagine thin golden threads wavering from a small child’s inner eye, attracted to and caught by larger threads that are coloured and tarnished from experience. Each cable can spark a connection that transfers love, understanding and knowledge. Together, all of the cables caress and shape this child's potential. However, the ability to spark is contextual and each community needs to establish and understand its own values and find its own way in engaging its youth and citizens.Without this, no community or society has a positive future (Box 1).
Box 1:
Building Communities
Of course, not only are cultural behaviours important, societies must also reconsider its behaviours that are biologically suicidal. For example, if we continue to pummel through our limited resources, then we are essentially killing our chances of survival. I don't really want to go into all of the arguments about 'climate change', but I think the basic idea of sustainable development makes sense. See, perhaps, Jared Diamond's Collapse: How Societies Choose To Fail Or Succeed. I have yet to read this, but have heard Diamond talk about it when he visited the University of Auckland a few years ago.
Society is More than The Sum of the Individuals
I was staring at the night-scape of Kuala Lumpur, marvelling at the lights whenI suddenly saw that we can solve everything by understanding each other, so that we are able to unite our individual efforts. The problem is engagement and one can only spark passion in others by first understanding the way they view the world. For example, it would be ideal to reduce the number of city lights turned on at night to reduce power consumption. However, lighting is considered important for safety (though the validity of this is disputed in some places), so basically, we need to reduce crime. To stop raising criminals, we need equal distribution of resources and responsible communities that work to raise children together. We need more holistic/inclusive thinking/planning, for example, using ramps instead of short escalators, adjustable thermostats, smarter water cycling. The narrow thinking evident in various facets of society may be a result of an education system where the world is arbitrarily segregated and consumed in a well-pre-processed manner. Where are our integrators? Where are our high NA lenses with large fields of view?
Youth
I have learned a lot from each individual of our 20-strong crew.Every person was interesting, with their own talents, idiosyncracies, ways of thinking, stories and passions. I think one characteristic that defines youthfulness is agility. They are open-minded and open-hearted. They are eager to learn and unafraid to be optimistic.
I enjoyed observing: their faces light up at the chance to talk about their passions, at the making of new friends, at the seeding and germination of new ideas; their features break into smiles and laughter at wit, irony and fun; their eyebrows furrow at difficult concepts, tight deadlines and lack of sleep.I watched the TIG team work: listening to the students and offering insightful/motivating suggestions and stories when necessary, while I tried to do the same. I was inspired by everyone’s dedication and rapid connection with each other - TIG continues to catalyse precipitation of like-minded youths. =P
My favourite moments were the one-on-one conversations. I hope I imparted some useful "wisdom", but at the same time clear that I am learning, too - I don't claim to know everything, if anything! If only I had more time to get to know everyone and learn about their stories and ideas, not just about education.
"Night,
Field of stars above us.
You pick one, we frame it with our fingers intertwined.
Seeds, of every generation, between our hands and
I promise to teach you the little I have learned,
So far..."Seeds, Brooke Fraser
I am so excited about what these young people may experience. Many of them are moving through school and entering college and indeed, the world, with a lot of hope. They will face challenges and disappointments and I would like to be a source of support and friendship, if they will let me. But already, I feel that this experience has been a privilege, for I am young, too. I am excited about my future, too.
Box 2:
West Vs. East
There may be an interesting and not necessarily sharp contrast between students schooled in Eastern and Western countries.Of course, this is not surprising if you listen to stereotypes, but it should surprising if you consider that most, if not all, of the education systems and curricula in South-East Asia are based on Western (e.g. Cambridge) systems. This leads me to yet another rant about community values (Box 1), where the culture of school and wider communities (including upbringing), more than the school system itself, shapes a child's attitudes towards formal education. No doubt, the lack of formal credit towards non-academic endeavours will also play a role in student motivation, but this are also reflect community values. I am always ranting about values, simply because I don't think many people know what their own are and why.
As a group,I was impressed with their diligence, aptitude and dedication in listening and completing tasks to a high standard. But they also giggled and whispered during boring presentations and you knew when they lost respect for someone. I would really like to dispel the myth that all Asian students possess an academic advantage. In all of the students that perform well, I think the common theme is that education is held in high esteem. They have been taught that only a sound education will allow them to get ahead, get out of poverty, realise their dreams, in life. Not just a pass or a piece of paper, but a good education. It is not just the family unit either, it is the entire nation - yes, I am actually saying that NZ does not value intellect as a nation. It doesn't. It seems like even intellectual people put themselves down or try to prove themselves by excelling in a lot of other areas. Do the same pressures fall on sports people? I think the tell-tale sign is to ask children what they think are cool or worthwhile - they are the values of that society, hmm?
Honesty
Most of the teachers and students at these conferences have English as their second language.Though it is a barrier for participation, I think it enables honesty. I guess it is a balance between being able to express yourself and being able to spin your expression. I am profoundly attracted to honesty.
Teachers and StudentsStudents wanted their teachers to listen to them and respect their questions and suggestions. Students wanted mentors, not instructors - guided autonomy? Students liked teachers who are able to admit their mistakes/weakneses and try to improve them. Most students already have information at their fingertips - they need help digesting it. Students have lots of ideas - they need help formulating it against existing knowledge and presenting it in a logical manner.
OTHER 'FIRSTS' AND NOTES
La
Malaysians and Singaporeans end their sentences with 'la', a lot. It is interesting as a rapport-creating rhetorical device, blah blah blah - but you know what is MORE interesting about it? It is the perfect platform to launch into song, e.g. "Don't worry, la... la la la la la la....l-l-l-l-la x 2.... LA..LA..LA...heee taught me hooooow toooo waaash...." (Oh Happy Day, Sister Act)Icecream Teppanyaki
Icecream + toppings + chopping = good, nutritious meal. Video here (2x speed).
Fish on Feet
Dr. Fish were in the house (Central Markets) and forNZD2.5, they entertained me for 10 mins.I think they enjoyed it, too (see image - that is one content fish). YouTube video (warning: squealing).
Serama- Smallest Chickens in the World
A tiny chicken, it's true! OK, at first I was sad (because they had strange posture and vocals, see video), but they are a naturally-occurring species, which means they are less likely to have problems associated with breeding (e.g. pure-bred dogs).
Batik Painting
(1) Pencil; (2) wax; (3) water-colour; (4) remove wax. Stoked I got to try it. Trying is always a win.
Movies On Planes
Last Chance Harvey:bad script + good actors = still bad movie.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: interesting idea - creativity = moving Brad Pitt gallery = still boring.
I Am Sam: interesting story + great acting (except Michelle Pfeiffer's dramatic scene) = balling eyes out on the plane = good. Being moved is always a win.
FlyingSaw another plane flying by while in our Boeing... first time EVER!!! Wow, it was so fast - I knew but never grasped visually how fast it was until now. And for the first time, I noticed our plane's shadow and enjoyed watching us meeting it on the ground and seeing how fast our land speed was (ignoring the movement of the sun and our approach to the ground, etc.). Image shows tail of the other plane (bright streak) - I was too slow to capture the plane itself - and video shows the shadow.
Things in a Box/Game of Things
Great game that we played after a night at the pool. Great introduction by Kat! Will remember for the future. Also thought of a PostSecret game we could have played. Oh well, next time.
The CircleSo at the beginning of this trip, I was pondering about the self. I think Brian Lariche sums it up very well:
If you will think about what you ought to do for other people, your character will take care of itself. Character is a by-product, and any man who devotes himself to its cultivation in his own case will become a selfish person.
I suppose things like this are supposed to be transient. The precipitate is created and then shaken into solution again to maximise the surface area for reaction.
I am waiting for my 12:50 flight and thinking about what I need to be to be a good mentor for Student Voices and person in general.
I need to listen.
I need to be more intellectually and emotionally flexible so that I can live more in the moment (i.e. be available). I need to move from quick understanding (passive) to quick debating (active). I need to be emotional agility to better respond to others. That is, discard any emotional baggage, so that I am not living in my head, so that I can look people in the eye and receive a compliment, notice and respond when somebody needs me and listen to and consider criticism to ask questions right there.
I’ve slowly come to realise that this availability is required for me to understand where I stand with people. That is, if I gauge the meaning of a relationship on an absolute scale, I will fall short of a correct measurement. I need to compare how people treat me versus how they treat others to gauge how they regard me, if not at a similar time (best comparison), then over a longer observation period to try remove the confounding day-to-day variation. In other words, I need to consider my relationships with people (simplistically 3 entities: me, the other and the connection) in a context of a network. That is, whatever they feel towards me has to be viewed simultaneously with their other connections, because they are constantly being pulled in those other directions.
I say this because I worry a lot about what others’ (whom I respect) think of me, but have little idea, because I am good at explaining away any positive signs of respect or affection. And with this sort of "weakness" in mind, I want to formulate a way to examine the world for feedback without imposing my need and without becoming self-centered or naive about the idea of self-improvement.
I can't wait to meet these students. I can't wait to meet the other mentors and the 'new' TIG Education programme manager and I can't wait to see Mike again! I worry about my relevance. I worry about my social skills, given my current passion/obsession is not really a topic that anybody else has an interest in. But - get on with it! Just do it!
Am going to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia in just over 4 hours. The flight will cover ~ 8713 km in ~ 12.5 hours 1. I am going for the Microsoft Regional Innovation Teachers' Conference 2009 (Twitter #isf09) with MF and other TakingITGlobal.org members - I should probably try to remember that before I get there. I'm excited, but nervous!!! More about that later if I have time. I have spent too much time doing data analysis as opposed to preparing for this. Still - 12.5 hrs left to prepare...
The Segment Thing
Maybe I will try record at least one interesting and/or entertaining conversation from each day, along with one photograph/video depending on how good the internet is.
Is waiting for questions that will allow me to view my life in new light.
In other notable and possibly related news,
"So... have you got a boyfriend, yet?" - YKJ, at AM's dinner.
Me + boyfriend? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?
But god I almost had a heart attack from the mixture of emotions:
shock at her blunt approach
embarrassment at the audience
shame at my innocence
relief that finally someone has brought up one of my major torments that I think needs to be talked through
fear that if we started talking about it, I would just break down and resulting 2) and 3)
But in the end, I just muttered a quiet "no," and that was that.
But hey, it's OK. I wasn't born, I was made a robot.
Yes I am aware there are multiple interpretations of that sentence. Correction, PJC just told me about Cherry 2000. Ew!
This is the point where I wish it was OK to hug you without it being weird.
But in the mean time, I can listen and try to make you feel better. I'm good at it! I guess you have to ask my conf... what do you call people confiding to a confidant? ... In all honesty, it's a relative thing. :P
But - it'll be OK!
Hope this makes you smile, like it made me smile:
But it sort of just occurred to me that while I consider that many of my bad feelings can be alleviated with a hug, it might be the same for other people, too! I always sort of assumed that other people only got bothered with real problems, whose resultant bad feelings cannot be alleviated with a hug.
OK, I watched Large Impact Simulation (1) and you know how I reacted? I thought, no, I felt that if the world is to be destroyed tomorrow, _we_ will be together. The strength of this feeling was such that I am still in shock and I can retrieve it at any time. But _we_ don't and cannot exist. Maybe I just want to someone trust like that. Maybe I want to be bold and take what I want like that.
Power Trips
I really refuse to participate in the power games that some people seem to play. It's not about dominance at all - it's about trust and being comfortable with yourself, isn't it? Or should I learn to play the game, too?
Evidence that Effort Influences Outcome
Danny MacAskill shows in Inspired Bicycles (2) that determination can bring about stunning results. Further, he shows he can innovate while respecting current norms.
This is motivating, because a lot of the time I feel as if no amount of effort can make up for my deficiencies in characteristics necessary to a good academic (problem-solving, networking information, perseverance, teaching, people management) or to handle 'politics' or withstand inevitable betrayal of my trust (diplomacy, cleverness, boldness, strength).
Other Questions
Surely, I don't deserve the wonderful friends and family I have? =)
Do PhD students really think the world revolves around them? Am I like that? =(
Do women really claim men and leave them for dead once they have them? I wouldn't do that, right? When men and women degrade each other, it's only in humour, right? They really love each other, right? =(
Song of the Post
Your Body Is A Wonderland
John Mayer
Hey all. Still alive, yes, yes. CQ Reunion at Auckland Zoo on the weekend. Spent a solid 3 -4 hours painting people's faces. Loved studying their contours and applying colour. Loved asking the kids what they wanted to be and enabling it. Love playing with kids. Loved seeing AP, who is turning 12 next month.
I turned 23 today. So much gratitude for my friends and family. So many kind words from far and wide, from unexpected corners. Thank you so so so much. Every word, every action, every smile and hug. Everything. So much impact on me right now. I needed this right now. I only hope I can be a source of light, too.
Found this a couple of weeks ago when answering a questionnaire about the quality of PhD supervision. It asked me how confident I was in the items below:
Train and supervise research assistants
Perform research procedures to collect data
Identify and report limitations of a study
Attend to all relevant details of data collection
Effectively edit your writing to make it logical and succinct
Analyze research data
Synthesize results with regard to current literature
Write method and results section for a research article or similar publication
Ensure data collection is reliable across trial, raters and/or equipment
Effectively write a research article or similar publication on your own
Organize your proposed research ideas in writing
Write an introduction and literature review for a research article or similar publication
Choose appropriate data analysis techniques
Identify implications for future research
Incorporate feedback to improve your research design or write-up
Develop a logical rationale for your research idea
Generate researchable questions
Interpret and understand data analyses
Synthesize current literature
Choose an appropriate research design
Identify areas of needed research, based on reading the literature
Utilize criticism from reviews of your ideas
Write a discussion section for a research article or similar publication
Obtain approval to pursue research (e.g., approval from appropriate Ethics Committee)
Holy fudging crap cakes. But damn that's me in the intermediate-future. I hope.
Meanwhile, V addiction is creeping up on me. So, none of that tomorrow.
Songs of late: Something's Missing and Split Screen Sadness. Both by John Mayer:
Eurgh I can't check their quality for you, because Telecom is being a floater.
I've been listening a lot to Coldplay and John Mayer lately. I like listening to people talk about things they care about, I suppose that's why I like listening to songwriters sing their songs*. It's the same and almost guarantees honesty.
In Repair John Mayer
Bigger Than My Body John Mayer
I know I enjoy the present, I don't want to go back to the past - I'm just seeking confidence. I am finding signs that people believe in my abilities, e.g. if they are willing to have open-minded, informative discussions with me about controversial topics and if they are willing to talk to me and seek advice. I may not have all the solutions, especially regarding serious issues like schizophrenia and abuse, but I'll do my best and what I think is most appropriate.
I am reminded to be grateful that these two issues are not closer than they already are.
Two things today annoyed me (apart from finding I had bought mouldy carrots and caterpillar-enriched lettuce):
ONE
X: hey how's it going...what are you doing these days, a PhD? Me: yep X: just started? Me: no, almost one year now... X: oh really? have you secured your funding? how is your project? Me: Yeah I have funding. Not quite sure about what I'm doing though, but I'll keep going... just doing my lit. review while I try to figure it out X: Lit. review? Wait, are you doing your honours? Masters? Me: PhD. X: Why are you doing a lit. review? I never did a lit. review. Me: It's a first year goal to finish a substantial piece of writing, so though I don't technically have to, I might as well write as a I read... X: Pfft (that's ridiculous)?!
TWO
Me: I want MC to get back so he can help me. I don't know what I should do. X: You really should try to think about it yourself.
BOTH of them involve someone else trying to tell me I don't know what I'm doing/that I'm inferior. What is with that? Am I not thinking enough? If I am not, how do I think more effectively? If I am thinking enough, does it mean I'm not good enough for a PhD? What does that even mean? Having a PhD is not a gold standard.
Everybody has an opinion, but few want to listen. To one person I'm too arrogant to ask for help, to another I'm not independent enough. Too hard to get, too easy. Too organised, too dreamy. Too energetic, too pessimistic. Too nothing.
I just want to talk with people I can trust and who won't try to 'win' at every opportunity. I don't want to talk to anyone else anymore. - leave me alone.
Also, I'm not going to let these comments get to me - I'm only going to listen to people I respect. You know I respect you, right? Maybe you don't. Sometimes I feel so incredibly defeated in every aspect I said I'd try to achieve. I just wanted to help you.
Last entry for a while, ok!! BECAUSE? BECAUSE I am going back to the lab tomorrow!!!
21 Feb
Tonight I am watching Brooke Fraser perform at the Starlight Symphony. She radiates extraordinary beauty and talent. It is as if while most of us aren't even looking or aware we need to look, she has found the seeds within her and nurtured them. I let her music catch me with a very strong feeling that I could never reach her or people like her - I'm not the same as them. I will still try to do my best, but no matter how near I want to be, I can never reach them. It's almost the same as how I felt last year when I heard Butterfly Kisses (though notably, minus the sobbing and tears) : I feel like I owe an apology because I can't get any control over it. Regardless, I still have a naive hope.
Mystery - Brooke Fraser
I want to get your words stuck in my head I want to touch your soul with mine I want to always be, be by your lead - always
I want to know that you hung the stars in the sky So on lonely nights I would know your presence I want to feel your love under my skin, down in my bones
Your love endures forever Your love changes me Your love makes me whole, makes me better Your love endures
I want to feel the wind and know that you're near me, See in the seasons your mystery I want to feel your love flow through my veins, pound in my heart
Your love endures forever Your love changes me Your love makes me whole, makes me better
And I want to know how this could be Yet your love remains a mystery That's woven all the way, That's woven all the way, That's woven all the way Through me
Your love endures forever Your love, it changes me Your love makes me whole, makes me better Your love endures
I'm almost 100% certain that all my feeble mind does is revolve around the same, pathetic themes. In contrast, I am not at all certain whether my fat, grotesque physique can run 10 km anymore, let alone 21. But on the bright side, this bronchitis has given me an opportunity to listen where interactions have permitted. Nevertheless, I feel fatigued and monotonous, like the water cycle, (condensation-evaporation-)n in a humid climate...
Of course, all of this water in the air didn't leave a lot of room for love (but when did Valentine's Day leave room for love?). However, someone did have time to make this (thanks, ZF).
Meanwhile, these trains are inspiring. Last Friday, I saw Jenny Shipley fundraising for the NZ Heart Foundation, whose collection days are always disappointingly quiet.
I read Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden (sleep is really erratic). I was drawn in by the writing style, but was disappointed with the lack of depth in character development and creativity in plot (chick flick in disguise) given the intricate history already given to him. Still, I extracted some nice quotes,
"Hopes are like hair ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women they look silly wearing even one." p344
"Adversity is like a strong wind... it holds us back from places we might otherwise go (and) it tears away from us all but things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as might like to be." p405
"How strange... that the same woman who looked me so frankly in the eye as a girl, many years ago, can't bring herself to do it now." p485
"How curious it is, what the future brings us. You must take care... never to expect too much." p409
"Sometimes... I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see." p497
It reminded me of Raise the Red Lantern, a film about a young Chinese girl who becomes one of four wives/concubines in a wealthy man's household. I don't like reading about these young girls who, though clever, have naive hopes of love/romance/friendship/security only to find (at some point) that her life/future is at the mercy of either men who regard her as little more than an object of beauty and pleasure (plaything) or women who regard her with competition instead of sisterhood.
Some may say that personifying beauty and pleasure (and having such influence) is a respectable position and it may well be, but I think that power is only an illusion, as the beholder can take his affections away as his attention span pleases. I don't know that it is a feminist or humanist issue - these characters are desperate for love/security and naively think they will attain it from their focus of desire (desperation?). Maybe men and women's ideas of love differ? Maybe it is an individualistic thing? Is the bottom line that desiring a relationship places the source of their happiness external to themselves? Though these films were set some decades ago, isn't it the same now? Aren't we still the same creatures?
Perception (Feb 12)
Those who are in love with practice without knowledge are like the sailor who gets into a ship without rudder or compass and who never can be certain whether he is going. Practice must always be founded on sound theory, and to this Perspective is the guide and the gateway; and without this nothing can be done well in the matter of drawing.
The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci, Translated by Jean Paul Richter
Recently, my status read, "Let's have more meaningful conversations, yeah?" To which two responses were received,
"I like poos," the irony of which makes me wonder - what makes a meaningful conversation? Maybe in how much it is informative, descriptive and/or interpretative (note continuum of objectivity to subjectivity), depending on its purpose (though I dare say some appear to lack purpose). Maybe meaningful conversations can be qualified by the extent it allows us to receive the lower frequencies - the main point(s), feeling(s), personality(ies) - usually through verbalisation of higher ones.
"Let's talk about the meaning of life," which I got annoyed with because I couldn't be sure whether they were mocking me or being serious. I would respect the former because it is cliche. For the record, I believe the meaning of life is what each individual makes of it, it is self-realisation (though some folks mistake that with self-indulgence), it is change, it is disequilibrium. Done. Sure, I want to know and understand your meaning of life and how you came to your (likely temporary) conclusion, but that's not what you said. Also, I like considering the implications life meanings, i.e. meaning of the meaning of life, e.g. my meaning of life basically makes any supreme 'being' irrelevant. Lots of people ask me what the meaning of life is - am I being mocked? A lot people also think I'm Christian. Weird aye.
Anyway, it's actually more than because it is cliche. It's because since I see (mostly?) everything as relative, there is no objective answer to that question (i.e. truth is practically a consensus or social construct, though theoretically I don't object to true reality being a basis for our interpretation), or rather, one cannot ever proove whether or not a 'real' reality exists, because we are always bound by our interpretation (unless we build some sort of self-serving machine... I'm not sure about this logic, but I will not digress here). Anyway, the POINT IS, I am interested in people's perception and in particular, perception of self. It's important because self-perception has a huge role in determining your self-confidence/motivation, relationships with others and success in the work-place, i.e. control of your life. Though it is often reported that people generally have a positive psychology/mentality (e.g. Dunning-Krueger effect - "unskilled and unaware of it"; Downing effect - people with lower IQs overestimate their own intelligence and underestimate others', while people with higher IQ can better estimate their own and others' IQs or even underestimate their own), I find that it is more than just positive/negative cognitive bias. I think people have quite deluded self-image(s)! In aspects of personality, talents and/or relationships, people can drastically misjudge their quality!
I want to know how people perceive themselves and how they come to their conclusions.
I want to be able to get an idea of how confused the population is - i.e. how aware they are of their perceptions and of any discrepancies between that and reality.
I want to know whether people have best friends or close relationships because this helps reduce the judgement error.
I want to know if telling people of their error will help them improve their judgement or whether the error is a mechanism that has an evolutionary advantage (?).
Of course, I don't think I will ever know, even if I wanted to devise some sort of experiment (I don't). I, too, am bound by the limits of my perception. It's a stupid question, but, WHY, MAN, WHY?!
But actually, I don't know if perception of self has much to do with perception in general, as perception of non-self involves less data collection (just simply because you are with yourself all the time, no other observation period can ever beat that). Do you think less information is better or not? Is it like the human condition of being overwhelmed by information (e.g. choices) and not being able to come to a conclusion (e.g. decision)? I don't know, it's that bandwidth issue again and the whole life as a lens thing again. I told you my thoughts go around in circles. But I don't know what this means for reductionist approaches to science. I don't think it matters. It's like information/knowledge theory or whatever - wasn't there that 5 week discussion with NZ teachers about that sort of thing years ago and I was astroturfing. I think these thoughts are my weakness.
What I can't figure out is people tend to hide their perceived weaknesses, particularly from those they seek to gain respect from. One of my biggest insecurities is my intelligence (or lack thereof; the other is the lack of abilities to lead a meaningful/worthy life) and yet I write about my thoughts here. What if my most revered idols read this and realise I have the IQ of a wilted cabbage? But then again, I reread posts sometimes and I am certain I'm a wilted cabbage. I guess I never want to pretend to be what I'm not. I don't even know what that means coz we can always try to change for what we think is better.
Efficiency (Feb 17)
I'm sort of panicking over here, because I've been sick for three weeks and only one of those weeks has been spent in the lab. You do know that there are only 52 weeks in a year, right? It brings to mind my old school-day schedule, which consisted of 6 x 50-minute classes during school hours and quite easily 10-11 hours of study or extracurricular activities. I don't know if I am getting old, things are just getting more difficult or (the worst thing) something is lacking in my motivation.
Of course, now I'm thinking about the lab and lab stuff (because I've been shoo-ed) and I just remembered that almost two years ago, MC gave me a little file named 'sp**k', then flew away. I avoided it for a week, then stared at it for another week and sort of freaked. I didn't even know how to call the routine. Then I realised I only had one week left so I went and tried to decipher every line and went through the tutorials (for the second time, since I obviously didn't grasp the relevance the first time in 2nd year) and eventually realised I couldn't do what I wanted with it (can't remember what) because the equation gave one -NaN value. I can't believe I actually like programming... no, you're right, it totally fits the description of things I'm likely to like. Actually, I don't know if that timeline is right because another time he went away I spent forever trying to measure the height of you-know and making that silly piezo-electric you-know. Which reminds me I had a new idea for that that I wasn't sure if it was a new idea or not.
You know, I never ask for help unless I'm really stuck or have no idea how to proceed? I feel like a complete cop-out if I feel that I haven't tried hard enough to solve something before I ask for help. You know, sometimes that's bad because you can waste a lot of time trying to reinvent the wheel. So it is a bit of a balance, but I feel that you might as well go home if you're going to ask for help even before you've given any real attempt. I know for sure that some people think I'm a stubborn, proud know-it-all because of it. I know because they've told me. I hope they know now it's not true after all this time in the lab.
When Can I Go Back? (Feb 18)
Of course, the deal is that when I have solitude for a period of time, I regress back to my unvarnished self. It's sort of like, where have my fortresses gone?
Anyway, I went and borrowed A Clockwork Orange (coz DC recommended it ages ago), A Scarlet Letter (trying to up my classic count) and some trashy book yesterday so I would have something to do in between sleeps... which reminds me I should have borrowed Salt: A World History. Anyway, I read 15 pages of Orange, as the Preface suggests, to get used to the language, but my heart's not in it. As for Letter, I could not get past the first chapter - I don't know why the author would spend a good deal of tree and ink describing his affections for a town. And the trashy book became too trashy. But you know what I've read a few chapters of now? The red book. I feel better that I'm doing something useful between sleeps because I'm getting really anxious that I'm achieving anything at all.
And I'm also scared if I post this, people might yell at me for not resting. I am sleeping when I'm sleepy!!! My arms hurt from all the sleeping (I sleep on my side, sometimes with my arm underneath my 'waist'/the lack of space where there should be space)!!!
You know what, also (coz I just realised I tag every post with PhD and Life, because they are almost the same thing these days)? DB said (after last year's little misty-eyed confession of uncertainties over my aptitude as a scientist/person with brains) that I should diversify, which is the right thing to say in risk management, but actually if you want something really badly in life, like it's your passion, then giving it your 100% is the only choice you've got. But then, truth matters, too. Yes it does. But anyway, I don't know why we're not friends anymore. It's like CP. You think people are really close friends and all of a sudden, they just disappear off the face of the Earth. You keep trying for a (long) while, but eventually you get the message.
